Thursday, April 29, 2010

Friday Flash 55.....

Herbie The Milquetoast!!
Never confrontational.
Verbally abused daily by co-workers...
Everybody has a breaking point... Herbie reached his!!
During today's staff meeting, he slowly stood up, pointed his finger..
Rocco...You smell like The Artful Dodger!
Boss...You are Ebenezer Scrooge!!
Bambi...You dress like Mrs. Haversham!
(...Herbie was giving them the Dickens)
If you or anyone you know has written a Friday Flash 55.
Please come tell The G-Man.
I will visit, read, enjoy, comment...Then BOOK!!!!
So during these best of times, and worst of times,
from the most gracious host from coast to coast...
Have a Kick Ass Week-End!!!!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Thursday Portrait.....

The Last of the Tulips.
The Beginning of the Lilacs.
The Midst of the Flowering Crab-Apple.
...It seems to be whispering something to me.
Do you have your inspiration for Friday yet?

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Retro Wednesday.....

Did you know that The G-Man belongs to a 'Secret Society'?
Not my college fraternity.
Not the Masons...The Knights of Columbus...or The KKK.
Not even the Knights Templar or The Rosicrucians!
The International Order of Turtles....
Started in a Pub in England in 1943, to join, one must have the highest of moral standards, and NEVER be vulgar.
The rules are quite simple...Membership starts with an assumption, then Four riddles must be solved in a very clean manner. The assumption is that all perspective members own a Jack-Ass. From this assumption you can answer the 'Secret Question' with your coded answer.
Question...'Are you a Turtle'?
Answer...'You bet your sweet ass I am'!
Failure of a Turtle Club member to answer correctly, results in that member buying a beveridge of choice for the asker!!
The riddles to be solved are thus...
1. What is it that a man can do standing up..A woman sitting down...And a dog on three legs?
2. What is it that a cow has 4 of, and a woman 2?
3. What is a four letter word ending in 'K' that means Intercourse?
4. What is it on a man that is round and hard and sticks out of his pajama's so far that he can hang his hat on it?
President JFK was a Turtle!
Once at a press conference, a journalist once asked the President..Are you a Turtle? JFK just smiled and said..'I'll buy you a drink later'.
Fellow Turtle brother Wally Schirra was once asked by Deke Slaton while orbiting the Earth if he was a Turtle...Wally turned off his radio before replying.
So once the riddles are solved, and you sign your membership card, You are ALWAYS expected to give the correct response to the 'Secret Question'.
The Answers:
1. Shake hands.
2. Legs
3. Talk
4. His head
As you can barely see from my withered 41 year old card, I have been a member of good standing since August 27, 1969.
PS....I've yet to buy a fellow Turtle a drink. hehehehehe

Monday, April 26, 2010

TMI Tuesday.....

A Mr. George 'Stumpy' Calhoun from Key Largo Florida asks...
"Dear Mr. Knowitall, Please help settle an argument between me and my friend 'Lefty'. I say that Sharks kill and injure the most people in America every year. He claims that Bears do! We are counting on you to help settle a bet...A dinner at The Old Country Buffet is resting on YOU! Can you help us out"?
Dear Stumpy, of course I can! But you may not like the results...
For most people, few things evoke more fear than suddenly seeing yourself surrounded by a bunch of circling Shark Fins, or hiking along a trail and encountering an angry bear rearing up on it's hind legs. But in actuality, these occurances are very rare, but they make for great movie excitement and media hype. If the truth be known, there are only about 10 Shark attacks a year in the U.S., and even less Bear attacks!
By contrast you are TEN TIMES more likely to be trampled or maimed by ole Bossy or Elsie the Cow. More than 100 people a year are accidently killed by these Bovine Beauties. And the biggest animal killer of them all?...BAMBI!!!!!!
Each year deer running out in front of you on the highway, kills more people than Snakes, Gators, Bears, Sharks, and Spiders...COMBINED!
So I'm sorry that you aren't going to enjoy The Buffet on Lefty, but chances are there is a fresh road kill deer on a highway very near to you right as we speak.
Thanks Stumpy, good question!
Mr. Knowitall grows weary, I bid you adieu.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Coffee Talk.....

Hi everybody...
I hope that you all are having or had a Kick Ass Week-End!!
Today I think that I'm going to start a Sunday Feature called..
I'll provide a few topics, and if you feel so inclined.. Rave On!
If you are basking in a Coffee induced state of relaxation and just don't have the energy to lift a couple of fingers to peck out a reply...HAVE SOME MORE COFFEE!!!!!!
As for now, have a Kick Ass Week!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Friday Flash 55.....

The heater on the tour bus had broken down, and it was freezing!!
Frustrated and miserable, Buddy decided to charter a plane for the gig in Minnesota. The Beechcraft only held four including the pilot, and Waylon had already given up his spot for J.P.
Ritchie looked at Tommy..."I'll flip ya for the seat".

Waylon Jennings was a guitar player for Buddy Holly as a member of The Crickets.
J.P. Richardson was known as The Big Bopper.
Tommy Allsup was also a member of The Crickets.
Ritchie Valens had NEVER flown before... He won the toss!
Don McLean called February 3, 1959..."The Day The Music Died".
If you or anyone you know has written a Friday Flash 55,
Please come tell The G-Man!
I will visit, read, enjoy, comment...Then BOOK!!!
So from the most gracious host from coast to coast...
Have a Kick Ass Week-End!!!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Thursday Portrait.....

As you may recall, my son obtained employment with Wal-Mart. Right smart uniform n'est ce pas? Problem is, he has to travel 28 miles one way, and 3rd shift to boot! I felt quite uneasy with him being on the road with the current POS that he was driving, so Dear Ole Dad bought a bigger, safer, more reliable Land Yacht for the commute. This is a 1998 Olds Delta 88 with the BEST engine that GM ever produced...The 3800 V-6. I can almost guarantee that it will get 25-28 MPG, and it will long out-last the body. It's a Tennessee car and has never been driven in a Michigan Winter! It's immaculate inside and out, and it 'only' has 151,000 miles on it. Wanna guess what I paid? $1555.00!!
Of course I negotiated the price down for the purpose of this post!
I have my Friday task completed...Hows about YOU?

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Retro Wednesday.....

For years I used a pair of surgical hemostats for a 'roach clip'. Lost years ago, no doubt in a cannibis haze, my best friend Alex recently procured me another pair. I realize that they are not actual-age retro, but in my mind they bring back wonderful memories....
I hope that in a private moment, you celebrated 4/20 as it should be celebrated!
Click on the middle pic if it is now to small to read.
It tells all about this relaxing Holiday.
Take a toke, and pass it on....

Monday, April 19, 2010

TMI Tuesday....

A Mr. Adam Lambert from Dairy Aire Kentucky asks...

"Dear Mr. Knowitall...I am very very interested in Rumps. Do you know anything about the Science of Rumpology"?

Dear Adam, of course I do!

'Rumpology or "Bottom Reading", is a pseudoscience performed by reading the lines, crevices, dimples, warts, moles, and folds of a person's buttocks in much the same way a Chirologist would read the palm of a hand.
Rumpology is known to have been practiced in ancient times by Babylonians, Indians, Greeks and Romans..According to American astrologer and rumpologist Jackie Stallone! According to Stallone, the left and right buttocks reveal a person's past and future. And also the crack of your behind corresponds to the division of the two hemisperes of the brain.
According to blind rumpologist Ulf Beck (pictured above Jackie Stallone), An apple shaped muscular bottom indicates someone who is charismatic, dynamic, confident, and creative. A person that enjoys life! A pear shaped Butt suggests someone that is steadfast, patient, and down to Earth.
Rumpology can be performed either by sight, touch, or the use of buttock prints. Jackie Stallone will perform buttock readings using E-Mailed digital photo's. She has claimed to have predicted the outcome of Presidential Elections and Oscar winners by reading the bottoms of her two Doberman Pinschers!
Ulf Beck can read peoples future's by reading their naked buttocks.
He also states that in a male, if your bottom is sore, red, enlarged and 'squishy', you have either been to prison, or you have a penchant for ballet! In a woman, the same symptoms usually indicate that you are married to a Greek, or are too cheap to buy condoms.

Good Question Adam, thanks.....

Of course I think all of this is Horse-Pucky, you may just have a gigantic boil on your ass!!
Mr. Knowitall grows weary....


Sunday, April 18, 2010

Football Saturday.....

Hi Everybody...
Saturday was The University of Michigan's annual "Spring Scrimmage"!
Me and my friend Barry cruised down to Ann Arbor about 11:00 AM.
We parked in our regular spot.
We sat in our regular seats even though we could have sat anywhere since it was free and open to the public.
Heres the deal....Thursday it was 83 degrees and Sunny. Hell, it was even 78 degrees at 9:00 PM Thusday.
This morning it was a crisp 39 with a few flurries!!
Hence the sweatshirt...Hoodie...Gloves...and leather jacket!
Thats Michigan weather for ya!
In spite of the cold, over 35,000 Maize and Blue faithful toughed out the weather, to get a glimpse of the team that will hopefully erase any memory of the last TWO seasons of extreme disappointment.
The last pic is me in my season ticket seat...
Section 19
Row 42
Seat 20
I Can't wait till September...Go Blue!!

Have a Kick Ass Week...G

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Friday Flash 55.....

Roll Call.
Flint Southwestern High School.
Fall of 1965.
1st Hour World Geography.

"Gloria Gibson"?....'Here'
"Valery Gilbert"?...'Here'
"Donald Hanacek"?...'Chop'
"Richard Harris"?...'Chop'
"Galen Haynes"?.....'Timmmmberrr'!!!!!
(Laughter and Applause)
"Very funny Mr. Wise Guy, can you tell me where Wales is"?
(Thinks Pensively...)
....'They's mostly in de Ocean'.
"Thats It!!!! Mr. Haynes.......OUT"!!!!!

Needless to say that particular exchange set the tone for my moniker of Class Clown. Hey...I just like to make em laugh!
If you or anyone you know has written a Friday Flash 55,
Please come tell The G-Man...
I will visit, read, enjoy, comment...Then BOOK!!
So from the most smart-aleck host from coast to coast...
Have a Kick Ass Week-End!!!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Thursday Portrait.....

Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears.
I come to show you a Thursday Portrait..
NOT to plant a subliminal message regarding a certain Friday Funfest!

Pax Vobiscum...!!!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Retro Wednesday.....

Yuban Coffee was founded in 1905.
In 1960 they sent out free samples of their 'New Improved" instant coffee to select homes. They were sent out in these cute baby burlap bags, complete with drawstring! After the coffee was consumed, I thought it would be a swell thing to keep my Football cards in. (My baseball cards are stored elsewhere)
Football cards are not worth as much as Baseball Cards, but two of the most interesting ones are of Jim Brown (Arguably THE greatest running back EVER), and Bart Starr (Quarterback of the first TWO Superbowl Champion Green Bay Packers).
Jim Brown is worth about $100 Bucks, Bart about $50!
Of course they are NOT for sale....


Monday, April 12, 2010

TMI Tuesday.....

A Mr. Irving Lipshitz from Elmyra New York asks...

"Dear Mr. Knowitall, I Just won a Comedy Joke-Off at our local pub's Talent Night, and 'First Prize' was that I get to open for Hymen Marx, Catskill Legend and Great-Grandson of Zeppo Marx. I was born a Reformed Jew, which is almost Catholic, and I don't know very many 'Jewish Jokes' that are 'politically correct'. Could you PLEASE help a Brotha out"?

Dear Irving....Of course I can!

* Why don't Jewish mother's drink alcohol?
It interferes with their suffering!

* Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!

* How many Jewish Mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
(sigh) "Don't bother...I'll sit in the dark. I don't wanna be a nuisance".

* Whats the difference between a rotweiler and a Jewish mother?
Eventually the rotweiler lets go!

* There's always been a Judaic controversy of when life begins.
They believe that the fetus is not viable until it graduates from medical school!

* Speaking of doctor's...The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen and said. "Mrs. Cohen, the check you wrote for the treatment came back". Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritus!"

* Patient: I have a ringing in my ears.
Doctor: Don't answer!

* The Doctor gave a man 6 months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the Doctor gave him another 6 Months!!!

* I just got back from a pleasure trip...I took my Mother-In-Law to the airport!

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years...If my wife ever finds out she'll kill me!

* Someone stole all my credit cards! But I didn't report it because the thief spends less than my wife...

* My wife and I got a waterbed at the last hotel we stayed at...She called it The Dead Sea!

* My wife and I always hold hands when we go out...If I let go She Shops!

* Short summary of every Jewish Holiday...They tried to kill us..We Won..Lets eat!!!

* A bum walks up to a Jewish Mother on the street and says.."Lady, I haven't eaten in 3 whole days"! The Mother replied...'Force yourself.'

* And Finally...Why are Jewish men circumsized?
Because Jewish Women don't like anything thats NOT 20% off!

Irving...? Good Question.....Break A Leg!!!

Oy Gevalt!!! Mr. Knowitall grows weary.


Sunday, April 11, 2010

Landmark Sunday.....

Hi everybody...
I hope you all had a Kick Ass Week-End!
Today at age 20 years and 6 months, my son Reese starts his FIRST job!
8 Bucks an hour at Wal-Mart.
He is also a Full-Time student at Mott Community Junior College.
His hours at Wal-Mart are 9:30 PM to 7:30 AM, and his first class is at 11:00 AM.
It's a good thing that the last day of classes are April 30th eh?
Good Luck Son, now maybe you can pay your own car insurance..hehehehehe
And here is my daughter that lives in Prague, with The Alps as the backdrop!
She was born on April 11, 1986.
Happy Birthday Mandy!!!
(She was named after JR Ewings Mistress Mandy Winger from my ALL-Time favorite TV Series DALLAS...Really!)
On that note, I bid you Adieu...

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Friday Flash 55.....

He had lost all track of time.
It WAS such a lovely place!
Mirrors on the ceiling, Pink Champagne on ice.
But over and over, each evening the same...
"Good Night" said the night man.
"We are programmed to receive. You can check out anytime you like...
But you can NEVER leave"!

If you or anyone you know has written a Friday Flash 55,
Please come tell The G-Man.
I will visit, read, enjoy, comment...Then BOOK!!!
So from the most Eagalitarian host from coast to coast...
Have a Kick Ass Week-End!!!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Thursday Portrait....

The $3 Million Dollar upgrade to our dealership is less than two years old, and Chevrolet felt compelled to change the color scheme of the sales offices back wall.
The top pic was taken a few months back. Notice how vivid my 'Peachy' shirt looks against the Baby Blue?
The middle pic is the color now...YIKES!
I look almost invisible when wearing the same color shirt.
After so many complaints, they are now considering changing colors again.
You know something? I have a color picked out...Whatcha think?
See you tomorrow with my 'Lyrical' story....