OK, every house has a "junk drawer" right? Well I have a "junk cupboard" in my bathroom. In it is stuff that I'll need, but I really couldn't tell you when. You know the stuff. Old key chains, batterys, watches, condoms. Hey condoms! I forgot I had these. Let's check the date....
' Use before. Aug. 1997 ' I wonder if they are still good?
That got me thinkin.....I wonder what they used for birth control in the olden days? So the G-Man did a little research, and came up with the condensed version....
1300B.C. Egyption women use vaginal inserts made of crocodile dung.
900 B.C. Chinese birth-control experts advise women to swallow 16 tadpoles fried in quicksilver immediately after sexual intercourse.
200 B.C. Arabians eat pomegranates mixed with rock salt and alum.
1100 The Dominican Church advises women to spit 3 times into the mouth of a frog, or to eat bees, immediately after intercourse.
1400 The Italians attempt to avoid pregnancy by drinking raw onion juice.
1600 The French believe the same thing, only with cabbage instead. ( The French, they are a funny race. They fight with their feet, and fuck with their face!)
1650 German women smear their vagina with tobacco juice.
1700 Islamic women are advised to jump backward 7 or 9 times immediately after sex.
1750 Europeans wear condoms made from sausage skins.
Although the great lover Casanova, placed his faith in 3 gold balls purchased from a Genoese goldsmith for 90$, which he personally placed inside his partners. He said that it worked well for 15 years. But later in life he was proven to be infertile..
1843 Mr. Goodyear vulcanizes rubber. Ergo..the Rubber!
The Japanese however continue to wear sheaths made of leather or tortoise shell.
Well these rubbers I have then, ain't worth a shit! And even though the waste basket is right there....I toss them back in the 'junk cupboard' and shut the door! Peace...Galen
80 comments:
SHIT! I'm first!!
Ok...now I am going back to read your blog...lol!
tadpoles fried in mercury???? yeah that would work...by killing mother and baby!
and a tortoise shell condom....yeah, that'd work too cuz he ain't coming anywhere near me wearing that!
i also recall from an anthropology class that some tribal group (maybe in the amazon) the women use citrus peels as diaphragms
You could always put them in a time capsule and save them for the great great grandkids. Oh wow...talk about some whacked out ideas for birth control. Tortoise shell? OUCH...some guy came after me with one of those on I'd be like...get the fuck away from me!
Hey...not only was I 1st, I am also 2nd and 3rd....I ROCK!
Jillie don't be a blog whore!
Trini my dear, Thank you for that image. I think I would much prefer an orange flavored snapper to a crocodile dung flavored cooter.
oh goody!
i love posts
that contain the word
vagina...
ps how the heck did Casanova
ever gain his reputation
as a great lover?
3 gold balls, huh?
there mustn't have been much room in there for a heck of a lot more...
AND he ended up being infertile?
i think perhaps a wee visit
to Dr. Freud might have
been in order, tho i daresay
Sigmund suffered a few minor
disturbances of his own...
Ah the psychoanalytical JavaJazz! Hows my little Canadian Insomniac this fine evening?
How about comment boxes that contain the word vagina?
Ishhh... many of those suggestions seem quite frightening and not bery efficient...
I am for the male neutralization... there is nothing better... ;-))
I think Casanova had more like 3 "blue" balls and not the gold balls he WISH he had.
SeaRabbit, Thats a bit harsh n'est ce pas?
But thanks for your suggestion....Galen xxx
i believe Jillie's
on to something here,
hence my thought that
perhaps an appointment
with the psycho-therapist
should have been on Cassie's
to-do list...
blue balls indeed!
its pretty obvious
that his little
preoccupation with balls
provided him with
yet another distraction
to having really good sex...
plus what waste
of good gold, really...
hello mr. G!
comment boxes that contain
the v-word?
that seems more commonplace, no?
rare is the post
built around such prestigious topics
as vaginal contraception...
as i skid gently into my
golden eggless years
(crash, thud, bump...!)
and contraception seems
less and less of an issue,
i can thoroughly enjoy doing
what good old mother nature intended in less encumbered ways perhaps...
and my topics of conversation
can now elevate to higher
spiritual heights,
such as talk of multi coloured
balls, and such....
Lisa, I'm very proud of the elevated level of verbal intercourse that is exchanged on the post of Mr. Knowitall..
Don't you feel stimulated right now?
And welcomed? And enjoyed?
And wanted? And summoned?
elevated levels of intercourse?
i'm so used to having those
just with myself, i'm often
surprised when someone wants
to come and join me, as it were...
do i feel stimulated?
yes, as a matter of fact,
i do! possibly because
i just made myself a
nice cup of coffee as i head
into the wee hours of this
beautiful snow encrusted evening...
i just stuck my nose out the front door and the smell of spring is exquisite this fine slushy evening,
as it tries to poke its fragrant mildness up through the piles of snow we received today...i love how it looks like winter, but smells like spring...!
"And welcomed? And enjoyed?
And wanted? And summoned?..."
sometimes.
No wonder Mr. Cassanova got all the chicks.
He had a reputation for shoving fun things up inside of you!
He liked toys!
I'm sorry, but to me...I think that would feel pretty good. Of course, with the proper lubrication.
It had to be a better method than drinking onion juice, anyhow.
Us crazy Dagos...I tell ya...
Ah, that clever Cassanova....
he could have made a killing
in our local "adult fun toys store" by selling his own personal line of toys, such as Cassie's "Golden Balls 'o Fun" or Bossy Nova's "Bootylicious Blue Balls" if you were shy...
(toys 'r us...!)
hey, sure beats the tobacco juice
thing, tho' i personally have, upon occasion, jumped back 7 to 9 times immediately after engaging in intercourse....
(verbal, of course!)
Jaysus. I'm now officially ultra-grateful that I take the pill. I don't care that it makes me sick every fucking day. I'm praising the hormone gods!
DUNG in my love tunnel????? NO NO NO!
JavaJazz? Coffee? I bet it's not Sanka either.
So they have adult toys in Canada eh?
I so enjoy your perspective on things Lisa, your a saucy little wench!
Strumpet...I'm thinkin that the onion juice BREATH was the cause of the myth,but who knows?
I know that if you ingested onion juice and was feeling amorous, I believe that we'd merely try the Flip Side of Strumpet. Sometimes theres nothing wrong with bringing up the rear. You Rock Buttercup!
Buddha Girl, I just love vaginal euphamisms..
Thats why teachers are so hot, especially you!
OK EVERYBODY!!
I'm leaving for work soon, so feel free to roam about the country!!
See ya at 6......Galen
I've heard of teens using plastic wrap and rubber bands. Could be fun if you got the colored stuff or holiday prints.
I have to believe the old fashion shotgun used down south by protective dads had to be a little affective too. Of course then again I think they used those shotguns to force a wedding after the fact so maybe it did not work all that well after all.
Dung up the cooch, How the heck could anyone allow that. No wonder life span was so much shorter. The infections must have been terrible.
Male neutralization, um, no thank you. Of course with some of the males out there it would be a blessing.
Signgurl, how about those ones that have elastic on them to allow it to fit over a bowl. Could make a decent female contraceptive.
Be just my luck that the saran wrap which I can never get to cling, it would cling and never let go. All I know is keep the freezer wrap away.
more useful information provided by Professor G.
It's amazing, we have the morning after pill, the day before pill, contraceptive foam, condoms, bc pills and we still have a high rate of unplanned pregnancies.
tc
i believe that has to do
with human nature, TC, thinking
with ones genitals, etc etc,
seems to be a tendency of human
nature that goes way back...
didnt adam and eve have some
issues around temptation as
well?
i think that saran wrap for bowls thing was the original elephant condom, perhaps a tad too big
for a human diaphragm...but tying an elastic upon ones sweet young appendange after smothering the poor thing in plastic wrap? ouch! thats gotta hurt!...and guns, vasectomies and poopy love tunnels? man! no wonder toys 'r us! yes, Galen, even in Canada! its the logical solution, when you think about it!
Translation first before I forget again: " This boy is driving me crazy, wonder why he is talking about drinks at a time when I've had one too many...I can't understand why his timing is so perfectly good or bad [ depending on the aftermath]"
Ok so now back to the post...
Really??? Wow! you know it all...You sure do.May your knowledge ever increase in 'rare factors' so that we may enrich ourselves in them too[amen].May you get the knowledge about the birth control method that Dinosaurs used so as to 'ride' themselves to extiction...Our Human race..specially Indians need it STAT in emergency too!
and i hate to go on and on about this, not that its my favourite topic or anything, (cough, sputter) but, you seemed surprised that even us soft spoken well mannered Canadians have sex toys way up here, as it were...(hey, its not like we can go play on the beach in february you know!)
well G, if you've been to our humble city, wouldn't you have heard talk of our infamous store Lovecraft, that i believe has been around since the 70's here? (i hadnt noticed that in your research...) now dont everybody go and flood Google all at once, but its probably right there on page one! have fun!
I am not sure I am qualified to participate in this discussion having never used any form of contraceptive myself except for abstinence but I can say to T.C.'s comment that just because we have the stuff to prevent the pregnancies doesn't mean the pepople will be smart enough to use it.
Ignorance, laziness, and spur of the moment lust are the reasons for sure incidents.
Well and the dung stuff does sound nasty...I guess it was a contraceptive because no guy wanted to come near that!
hi.......what's up.
i will be back to read the whole thing - i have to cover for someone this am. blech.
Always love your sexy comments g-man, when are you going to show me your gun?
I have always wanted to know this stuff, thanks!
And god bless trojan, for without there might be more than one Little Rita running around!
LOL...sg!! Yeah get the wrap that has candy canes on it and they can ask the girl if she wants something sweet! Woooohooo!
Hey g-man...vagina vagina vagina
Javajazz gave me that idea ;o)
What about shrink wrap? Damn..that would be hard to get off....HAHAHA...get off..get it? Ok...I a little giddy right now can you tell?
hey, did i write an entire post
about protecting one of our national treasures or did G-spotman? huh?
eh? oh yeah, and also i forgot
to mention that saran wrap was
probably better than duct tape...
(ooh, ouch!)
You mean they drank raw onion juice BEFORE they had sex to ward-off conception?
I was figuring they drank it AFTER the babymaker love-fluid was deposited.
I will also say this, my breath is NOT the reason I like it from behind.
Besides, if breath was the reasoning behind the myth...most Italians eat more than enough garlic to cover that aspect. I fucking LOVE garlic. But, I also fucking LOVE Vanilla Mint Listerine and am quite addicted to the shit, actually. Garlic and onion are both really good for you too.
The only thing I don't like about garlic is that it keeps the vampires away and I have this major fantasy that needs to be fulfilled where I totally get down and dirty with a sexy dracula type. At least I'm not Catholic.
And I have to say that I much prefer, (don't we all,) living in a world where instead of shit and onions I can walk to the little corner store downstairs in my building and smile when I see their brand new condom display at the register. Why was I smiling? Because no...it wasn't Trojan and it wasn't Durex, (my personal fave...extra-sensitive rocks,) it was a brand new display featuring 'Rough Rider' condoms, The 'Original Studded Condom.' Not only can you prevent pregnancy and STDs in 2007, but you can ENHANCE your pleasure while doing so!
I think Cassanova was WAY ahead of his time.
have a good night g-man, hope you can go out for your Friday night coffee.
See ya on the flipside.:)
tc
Could you imagine an onion/garlic douche? Hmmmm...I wonder if that would work. If not, you could always add some vinegar, throw in a few veggies and have yourself a salad if you get hungry.
funny, i was thinking
of a stir fry mouthwash
before, or perhaps
garlic Listerine...
Barman, Your not talkin about sticking a shot-gun 'up' anywhere are you?
Mona? I have been waiting on this translation for two days!
I hope you were not really tipsy. And I don't know it all, but I know a little...G
Jodi, I hardly ever see you anymore...And now your gone till Monday!
Imp, You should write a screenplay about this.
But in Bama, they might not know these things. I hope the play is going well....G
Mistress, thanks for sharing more details about your private activities. I'm glad that the G-Man can bring you out of your shell!
( just kidding of course )
TC, I stopped for a quick one but it wasn't coffee..Hope you had a good day...G
Jillie!!
Your poor foot, I'm sending you lots of love sweetie...xxxx G
Don't even go there with the salad.
I'd seriously consider going vegetarian for that!
Strumpet, I'm sure you don't need a reason to use the back door. But I sure love hearing you talk about it. And I also like Durex a lot. But the 'Rough Rider' does sound much more Strumpet-like!! Thanks baby for always adding your fantastic slant of my post. You are the BEST!
TK, My sexy post? Holy Crap, yours is off the charts. I bow in your presence!! Thanks...G
JavaJazz, JavaJazz, JavaJazz...
Where do I begin with you? I really appreciate you helping me and Jillie out today with my absence. You are very stimulating, and have great comments. The G-Man can always use a very capable helping hand. And you certainly fit that bill. Thanks Lisa you ROCK!!!!! G
oh mr G...
you're so sweet for going
out of your way to make
me feel like i matter...
how kind you are...but
you'll have to take the
credit for your positive
energy that always attracts
your fans here,
and of course, a blog topic
which truly stimulated
the conversations from
all your buddies today...
i would also like to give honourable mention to your dear friend Strumpie for including
one of my more
favourite lines of the day:
"I will also say this, my breath
is NOT the reason
I like it from behind..."
hope you had a fun night
tonight, G, having not coffee!!
Lisa, Thats why I love Strumpet. She is the most honest and straight foreward person that one will ever know. I respect her like no other.
And I do thank you from the bottom of my heart. I sent you a little note!
roger that, mr. G...!
thank you,
and here's to good friends...!
and Strumpet,
if the G-man says you rock,
you rock!
Awww...g-man...you're the sweetest bloggin man I know of! Love to you too....I am miserable and can't wait for this to be over. You know why? So I can start training again for my 3 Day walk....
See you tomorrow...sweet dreams
xoxo
g-man..good morning..well i'm off to shower and stuff, I'll catch ya a bit later.
enjoy that coffee.
tc
OK brother!!
But I'll be stopping at Tim Horton's on the way to work...
I work today from 10-4!
dont they sell those giant
canteens of coffee there?
(why didnt i think they
had Tim's in the US?)
mornin! have a beautiful
day...i think you'll sell
at least 2 cars!
I smell new car sales in the air today.
tc
he is SO going to sell
cars today...lots of
cars...its totally
going to happen!
yes java perhaps it is the Lunar Eclipse which will be favoring mr g.
yes! thats right, TC!!
thank you for reminding me,
i almost forgot about the
eclipse tonight!!
oh i love lunar eclipses!
i can just feel a real
electric one this time!
sometimes they're just spectacular!
this is a biggie...
this is a CAR SELLING
full moon lunar eclipse!
i can so feel that Galen
is going to be selling
a ridiculous number of cars
today!
even HE will be surprised!
CARS CARS CARS!!!
everyone wants to buy cars
from Galen today!!
some things you just know!
Harsh?? How come? I didn't write emasculation... ;-))
He had that surgery on a Thursday afternoon... right the next Friday, we had one of those unforgettable encounter... Yes... "blue" balls for real... but he didn't seem to be disturbed, not even to suffer a little bit from the surgery...
Now, I wonder how many women, after such manipulations of their reproductive system could feel good enough to perform like that?
And... as far as toadles and other naughty insertions... hummm... I figured out that they could be quite something to relay on... ;-))
SeaRabbit
you're gonna tell me
about the lineup out the
front door of the car
dealership today,
that people are lining
up to come see Galen
only, to BUY CARS
FROM GALEN!! he is
going to make people
very happy today,
selling them their
dream car!
wow!!
Galen is an amazing
car salesman and treats
his customers as well
as he treats his friends!
everyone wants to buy
cars from cool Galen
today! they just cant
help themselves, being
pulled to him like a magnet!
Galen,
Can I buy a car from you?
There's something in the air over here that is just making me want to get my ass to Fenton and purchase a vehicle.
It MUST be the lunar eclipse.
And then I'll drive it home and christen the backseat.
From behind.
I only want to see cars with HUGE backseats.
And I want her to talk to me, like in Knight Rider.
That show had the COOLEST theme song.
I never really watched it, though.
Not big on Hasselhoff.
Though, I hear he's big in Germany.
Let me know.
xoxo
your overdue condoms are the best among others listed in your blog. glad you keep it back into the junk cupboard.
i totally dig what Strumpie is saying here...people just want to buy cars from you Galen...just deal with it...give 'em what they want, big backseats, cramped quarters, whatever, just sell the cars...everybody wants you to sell them a car today...go with it!!
they can christen them wherever they're guided to, sell Strumpie a car and drive it the hell over to her place...SELL A CAR!! The Universe wants to buy a car from you!!
Hasselhoff....didnt he wear those
absolutely tasteless leather jackets?
I don't need a car. Got any bikes?
hey baby! (baby Terry that is!)
woo hoo! happy to see you!!
ya! you two kids is biker kids,
i forgot! man, i am such
a wimp, i wouldnt even get on
the back of a Harley...
actually maybe it depends
who's bod i could wrap
my arms around, but still
i would be discerning...
i dont think G sells
Chevybikes...but T, arent you
strictly a Harley grrrl?
I might get on a Harley if it has training wheels.
ha! or a side car!
i went to a bike show
with one of my (ahem)
buddies a few months
ago, and he rides a Harley...
i'm like a fish out of water
at this show (nice jewish
girl does biker show? i
dont think so...oh, whatever)
and i hoist my big tushie
up on one of these huge bikes
on a stand and almost fell
over...i think i may have even
screamed...is that dramatic?
(no need to answer...)
Hi everybody!
Boy was it cold and windy today. Too cold to go car shopping obviously, since no one even walked in the door.
But I can say this, my good friends sure gave me a great attitude..Thanks, you all Rock!!
Searabbit, I can't believe that one could possibly have Blue Balls with you! Maybe he was in a coma. Good God Jo he must have been near death, because you are the apex of HOT!!!
Strumpet, it sounds like you need a station wagon.
Or better yet a van!
Then we'll see about some Night Ridin....G
Pink Ginger...
My exotic little flower!
You are the only one that noticed me doing that...You are very observant. Thank you...G
Terry, I really appreciate your note. Thanks....G
JavaJazz, you are so supportive and positive today. If anyone would have came in, I would have slam dunked them for sure. Oh sweetie, the more you hang around here, the more you'll find out about my love for Tim Horton's. Next to you, SeaRabbit, and Leigh, it's my favorite Canadian past time!
Thanks again for all your help. xxxxxxx
Yeah, I know, I'm late! So what else is new...lol
OMG Jillie your pregnant?
so where is that doobie?
by the way, which unfortunate lady will be using that overdue condom with you? I hope it's not Mrs.G... lol.
TK, here take it.....
Good shit eh?
Pink Ginger, You make me sound so studly, Thank You so much!
Heeeeeey Gman!
It is late but amazingly I am online..on the weekend! So had to stop by and say hello, howdy and all that. Hope your Sunday is fabtabulous (since it is Sunday there now) Maybe I will get on tomorrow too *gasp* me online both weekend days ..wow!
what up dude? ;)
A van works.
Were those jackets tasteless?
I thought it was his hair.
Galen,
you are awesome no matter how many cars you sell cos you rock and you save expired condoms in your junk drawer.
My junk drawer has a LOT of Subway coupons, none of which have an expiration date. Some bendy straws. A couple of wine openers. Some napkins. Coloured toothpicks. A pair of rubber dishwashing gloves used to open jars and the like. Some stray packets of salt and pepper and plastic silverware. Sandwich baggies, used to make my pedicure last longer. Scissors. I think that's it.
My condoms are on full display on my dining room table. They are Durex Extra Sensitive, as mentioned earlier these are my faves.
However, they haven't been getting much use lately.
I'm sure they'll be used before the due date, though.
But, I shouldn't count my chickens before they hatch, or anything.
Galen, of course, you're studly. women will usually provides condom to a studly men. save yours.
Impy,go to bed right now!
Jodi? WTF?...Hi baby!
Strumpet, you call that a junk drawer? You are soooooo funny! Honey, I am so sorry about the lack of male attention that your little rosebud has been getting. Not very many are worthy of that glorious portal anyway..But it's good that you are so prepared.
You are the best!! xxxG
Ginger? That is so 21st century! Truely a modern woman. Thanks again...G
okay, i've officially lost it.
i feared i was turning into my parents and that perhaps David Hasselhoff was someone totally different than i thought he was as my memory is getting more and more vaporous in my old age...all i remember was tasteless leather jacket and talking car and absolutely nothing else...so of course i went online this early morning to do some intense research and in under 60 seconds came up with a few snapshots to jog my memory
http://www.davidhasselhoffonline.com/knightriderphotos.html
(did that work?)
anyway, i think he's a lot cuter than the one i had in my mind, but i cant tell you how incredibly relieved i was to find the horrid looking leather jacket...looked like it was cured in Vaseline or something...he may have even had matching vaseline pants...and indeed, a hair challenge...
i'm impressed that Strumpet keeps her condoms on display on the dining room table...what, like in a nice fruitbowl in the centre of the table and stuff? i'd probably want to keep a humidifier running nearby so they dont get all crispy...yes, i'm sure they're all wrapped up, but one cant be too careful...
you dont want to hatch TOO many chickens...
k, now i'm determined to get that
stupid link to show up
http://www.davidhasselhoffonline.com
/knightriderphotos.html
did that work?
oh just google the guy,
(just wait till after you've had
breakfast so you dont get nauseous)
theres like a shmillion entries there....i'm surprised david hasselhoff isnt the only thing on google...that and maybe donald trump or starbucks or macdonalds...man, i'm so out of my league...
He did, indeed, wear tasteless leather, Ms. Jazzy. I was just being silly.
I shall have to Google Image Search the Hoff at some point when I'm feeling like I need a little more Hoff in my life. I'm just scared that too many pics from Baywatch will sprout up.
As for my condoms, they are in an open box. I'm just lazy and don't clean-up much around my apartment and put stuff away. Those packets are quite airproof, however. I'm not too concerned.
Galen,
My 'rosebud' sees all the action that it needs. Yes, that action is from Ms. Right and Ms. Left along with a plethora of different sextoys, but when I decide to share that action with someone again... well, of course, the condoms will be right where I need them!
I'm in no rush. The last one was kind of a dud.
As for my junk....I leave it laying around my apartment in all its glory. So, my 'junk drawer' has much more normal things in it.
If you want me to list all the shit on-top of my coffee table.... I could go on forever. But, I'll start with batteries (double A's,) an empty wine glass, Febreze, Pineapple-coconut body spray, lipstick, my checkbook, weed, an ashtray, my hitter, a lighter, Burts Bees, my little Buddha guy, a chocolate chip cookie-scented candle, a sewing kit, Lush Temple Balm, my remote, Starbucks napkins, graham crackers, pink Kleenex, CDs, baby wipes, my sleepmask, an A&W wristband, a Sharpie, your matches, LOTS of newspapers. Okay. I'll stop there. Do you see why I don't need a 'real' junk drawer?
Strump, your apartment is NOT a junk drawer...it is the very essence of you! like a work of art, methinks...
and Oshko is right, you proudly show all your bits up front for anyone who dares to look...i wish i had been that confident in my younger years!
ps, how lucky you are to be ambidexterous...me, i find you cant have too many double A batteries in stock...
oh yea, i forgot about hasselhoff for a few minutes, thankfully...
(and i didnt even realize he was associated with the show Boobwatch...)
however, i cannot get the images of those plastic leather jackets out of my mind now...i have just never like shortie leather jackets, sorry all you bikers...
leather vests, and those pant thingies with the crotch cut out, well now, thats a whole other topic, isnt it, but those bomber stupid crunchy leather jackets...i dont know...i guess i'm just not that hip.
Strumpet. Sorry about the comment regarding your junk drawer. Your coffee table more than makes up for it.
And you and Jazzy are what makes blogging great. Two hot women on my post, speaking about the glory of ambidexterous cooter flogging..
God I love this country!!!
"cooter"?
ewww, G!
us oldies dont have pet names
for our more celebrated body parts
but thanks for the vote of
confidence just the same.
you make me feel brand new.
ps...i'm not in "this country"...
but always glad to be so inspiring
to those who are...
and i dont believe i am
half as talented as the lovely
Ms. Strumpet Chandra Dee...
(which may have something to do
with why my battery collection
is so extensive....)
hey...the Universe helps those
who help themselves...
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