Retro-Wednesday.....

Actual conversation between my brother and me...

While watching TV last week, an Enzyte commercial comes on...

BROTHER: I sent away for some of that stuff. It was free!
ME: Really? Did it work?
BRO: Yeah, kind of! Bobo did get a little bigger. But I think it was because of the stuff in it that helps blood flow.
ME: Well, in my day if you wanted a larger penis, you just read Playboy.
BRO: Bobo's not as young as he used to be. He needs a little help.
(I hate it when men have a pet name for their penis. It's so pretentious)
ME: Bobo? You call your dick Bobo?
BRO: Yeah, always have, what do you call yours...Johnson?
(Now at this point I should have just shut the fuck up. But an old stand up comedy routine popped into my head, and I was on a roll.....)
ME: Well....You can call him Johnny, or you can call him John Thomas, or you can call him Long John Silver, or you can call him Johnson's Iron, or how about...
Rod, Prod, Ititarod!
Prong, Schlong, Wong, Dong!
Joystick, Funstick, Dipstick!
One-Eyed Monster, Warrior of the Pants, Trouser Snake!
Stonehenge, Obelisk, Knob, Woody, Boner, Fire-hose, Napoleon Bonaparte!
Drumstick, Zucchini, Tube Steak, Salami, Balony Pony, Kielbasa, Yogurt Launcher!
Skin Flute, Strumpet Trumpet, Kazoo, Gabriels Horn, Bone-A-Phone!
Tally-Wacker, Womb-Tickler, Albatross, Manhandle, Rampart!
Viscount, Baby's Arm, Louisville Slugger, Homewrecker!
Urge-Purger, Stamen, Putz, Schvance, Schmeckle!
You can call him Plymouth Rock, You can can him Quetzacoatl!
But I doesn't have to call him...JOHNSON!
(Any of those names is better than Bobo....Jeez!)
ME: And one more thing...Don't EVER utter the word Bobo in my presence again! OK?

Sorry folks for this little diatribe, sometimes TV commercials gets me going!

Peace...!!!

TMI Tuesday.....

And speaking of bodily functions...(Nice segue' eh).

*The average municipal water treatment plant processes enough human waste every day to fill 72 Olympic-sized swimming pools!

*Almost all of the dust in your house is made up of dead human skin cells. Every day millions of them float off of your body and settle on the furniture and floor.

*The average human foot has about 20,000 sweat glands, and can produce as much as a 1/2 cup of sweat each day!

*Tears are made up of almost the EXACT same ingredients as urine.

*The crusty goop that you find in your eyes when you wake up, is the EXACT same mucus that you find in your nose...Boogers!

* And speaking of boogers, according to a recent survey, over 10% of Americans have picked someone elses nose.

*Your mouth slows production of bacteria fighting saliva while you sleep. This allows the 10 billion bacteria in your mouth to reproduce all night. "Morning Breath" is actually bacterial B.O.!!

*The average person will produce 25,000 quarts of saliva in a life time. Enough to fill up TWO swimming pools.

*Most people fart generally fart between 10 and 20 times a day, expelling enough gas to inflate a small balloon. (My son could inflate The Good-Year blimp)

*A tapeworm can inflate to a length of 30 feet inside human intestines.

*If you feed a Rhesus Monkey a typical American diet..It will die within 2 years!

WOW...Definately TMI!!! Enough of this Happy Horse-Shit, if and when you comment today...Give The G-Man a fact that I can store away for the benefit of future generations!
Sorry for any inconveniance, and Thank You for your cooperation!
Peace...!!!

Ask Mr. Knowitall...

Mr. Boolie "Chigger" Jackson from Hind Lick West Virginia asks...

Dear Mr. Knowitall, 'Why are there crescent moons on outhouse doors?'

Dear Chigger...The main reasons of course are light and ventilation!
But in olden times, outhouse builders for Inns and business' used cut-outs of the moon and the sun to indicate which gender the privy was intended. The moon was for women, and the sun was for men. These symbols helped foreign travelers. It didn't matter if they spoke a different language, these symbols were universal!
After a while, and for economy reasons, many Inns only constructed outhouses for women, since most men prefered to piss outside anyway. (and still do...hehehehe)
This custom became so widespread that eventually the moon became the symbol for all outhouses..
And while we are on the subject...Before paper was not so readily available, corn cobs were indeed used to swab and wipe ones ass after evacuation. There was usually a bucket of water soaked corn cobs on standby. If you didn't soak them first....?
YIKES!!!!

Thanks again Chigger...Good question!

If you have a question for Mr. Knowitall, and just don't trust those lying bastards over at Wikepedia, shoot me an E-Mail, I'll set ya straight....

See you next Sunday....Peace!!

Friday Flash 55.....

As he drove away from the Fortune Teller's reading...
Her prophecy haunted him!
'Think before you speak...Spoken words CAN become REALITY!'
He thought...That old broads loony!
(He turns on his car radio, smiles, then starts singing....)
..."Don't go out tonight, for it's bound to take your life,
there's a Baboon on the rise!"


Hehehehehe...."Scuse me...While I kiss this guy"!
If you or anyone you know has written a Friday Flash 55...
Please come tell The G-Man!!
I will visit, read, enjoy, comment...Then BOOK!!
So from the most androgynous host from coast to coast...
Have a Kick-Ass Week-End...
Peace!!!

Thursday Portrait.....

We are one of 6 Dealerships in Michigan that issues plates and registrations ourselves. Saturday I delivered a 2010 Traverse, and when I went to put on his new plate, something about the number sequence kinda struck me funny. Hmmmmmm
Anyway...I hear that this is Bloggers for Peace day?
I'm a Blogger, and I'm peaceful.
So...Peace!!!

Retro-Wednesday.....

A Chevrolet Ad brochure from 1961.
Unfolded it's a map with points of interest for each of the contiguous 48 States.
Inside, they have a section that has a few 'On the Road' games to play. One of the games is called..."Beaver". Every time you see a Chevy on the road, you yell Beaver!
The first kid to reach 10 Beavers wins...I can't stop laughing!

TMI Tuesday.......

Hi Everybody....
Remember the last TMI Tuesday I suggested that I might give you an embalming post? Well hehehe...Are you ready?
In 1924 when Vladimir Lenin died, he didn't want any fancy burials or monuments erected in his honor. But Stalin decided that since religion was being supressed, they needed some sort of 'Shrine' to the Soviet Union. So Dead Lenin was just that attraction!
Preserving the dead body was the first task at hand, and since refrigeration was not that advanced in The Soviet Union, and the body was already starting to deteriorate, Plan B was put into effect...Chemically embalming him!
First thing...Remove all the internal organs. His 'twigs and berries' were left in place though.
Second thing...Address the issue of drying. His body was already starting to turn ashy and shriveling, so they immersed him in a solution of glycerine and other preservative chemicals that infused his body and gave him a plump moist look.
The only problem with this was keeping the body from turning yellow and drying out.
It required regular upkeep! In spite of having a glass covered coffin built for him, every two weeks or so his hands and face are soaked in a glycerine solution to keep from shriveling. Every so often Lenin sprouts little patches of fungus, and he has to be dabbed with Hydrogen Peroxide.
Once a year the tomb is closed and his body is removed to the back room for a once over to spot overall fungus. He gets a dip in the Glycerine solution to keep him looking his best, and he is given a fresh new suit for his adoring public...
Under his new suit, plastic bandages are wrapped around his body to keep any juicy fluids from leaking out.
The tomb remains open daily from 9am to 1pm, and visitors still shuffle by his body.
The lighting is very soft and warm which makes his discolored hair and yellow skin less noticable. Lenin is said to look like he is peacefully sleeping...Others say he looks like he escaped from Madame Tussauds!
Peace...!!!