Mr. Knowitall

Retro-Wednesday.....

2009-11-10T20:23:00.000-05:00

Actual conversation between my brother and me...

While watching TV last week, an Enzyte commercial comes on...

BROTHER: I sent away for some of that stuff. It was free!
ME: Really? Did it work?
BRO: Yeah, kind of! Bobo did get a little bigger. But I think it was because of the stuff in it that helps blood flow.
ME: Well, in my day if you wanted a larger penis, you just read Playboy.
BRO: Bobo's not as young as he used to be. He needs a little help.
(I hate it when men have a pet name for their penis. It's so pretentious)
ME: Bobo? You call your dick Bobo?
BRO: Yeah, always have, what do you call yours...Johnson?
(Now at this point I should have just shut the fuck up. But an old stand up comedy routine popped into my head, and I was on a roll.....)
ME: Well....You can call him Johnny, or you can call him John Thomas, or you can call him Long John Silver, or you can call him Johnson's Iron, or how about...
Rod, Prod, Ititarod!
Prong, Schlong, Wong, Dong!
Joystick, Funstick, Dipstick!
One-Eyed Monster, Warrior of the Pants, Trouser Snake!
Stonehenge, Obelisk, Knob, Woody, Boner, Fire-hose, Napoleon Bonaparte!
Drumstick, Zucchini, Tube Steak, Salami, Balony Pony, Kielbasa, Yogurt Launcher!
Skin Flute, Strumpet Trumpet, Kazoo, Gabriels Horn, Bone-A-Phone!
Tally-Wacker, Womb-Tickler, Albatross, Manhandle, Rampart!
Viscount, Baby's Arm, Louisville Slugger, Homewrecker!
Urge-Purger, Stamen, Putz, Schvance, Schmeckle!
You can call him Plymouth Rock, You can can him Quetzacoatl!
But I doesn't have to call him...JOHNSON!
(Any of those names is better than Bobo....Jeez!)
ME: And one more thing...Don't EVER utter the word Bobo in my presence again! OK?

Sorry folks for this little diatribe, sometimes TV commercials gets me going!

Peace...!!!

TMI Tuesday.....

2009-11-09T20:12:00.000-05:00

And speaking of bodily functions...(Nice segue' eh).

*The average municipal water treatment plant processes enough human waste every day to fill 72 Olympic-sized swimming pools!

*Almost all of the dust in your house is made up of dead human skin cells. Every day millions of them float off of your body and settle on the furniture and floor.

*The average human foot has about 20,000 sweat glands, and can produce as much as a 1/2 cup of sweat each day!

*Tears are made up of almost the EXACT same ingredients as urine.

*The crusty goop that you find in your eyes when you wake up, is the EXACT same mucus that you find in your nose...Boogers!

* And speaking of boogers, according to a recent survey, over 10% of Americans have picked someone elses nose.

*Your mouth slows production of bacteria fighting saliva while you sleep. This allows the 10 billion bacteria in your mouth to reproduce all night. "Morning Breath" is actually bacterial B.O.!!

*The average person will produce 25,000 quarts of saliva in a life time. Enough to fill up TWO swimming pools.

*Most people fart generally fart between 10 and 20 times a day, expelling enough gas to inflate a small balloon. (My son could inflate The Good-Year blimp)

*A tapeworm can inflate to a length of 30 feet inside human intestines.

*If you feed a Rhesus Monkey a typical American diet..It will die within 2 years!

WOW...Definately TMI!!! Enough of this Happy Horse-Shit, if and when you comment today...Give The G-Man a fact that I can store away for the benefit of future generations!
Sorry for any inconveniance, and Thank You for your cooperation!
Peace...!!!

Ask Mr. Knowitall...

2009-11-08T11:52:00.003-05:00

Mr. Boolie "Chigger" Jackson from Hind Lick West Virginia asks...

Dear Mr. Knowitall, 'Why are there crescent moons on outhouse doors?'

Dear Chigger...The main reasons of course are light and ventilation!
But in olden times, outhouse builders for Inns and business' used cut-outs of the moon and the sun to indicate which gender the privy was intended. The moon was for women, and the sun was for men. These symbols helped foreign travelers. It didn't matter if they spoke a different language, these symbols were universal!
After a while, and for economy reasons, many Inns only constructed outhouses for women, since most men prefered to piss outside anyway. (and still do...hehehehe)
This custom became so widespread that eventually the moon became the symbol for all outhouses..
And while we are on the subject...Before paper was not so readily available, corn cobs were indeed used to swab and wipe ones ass after evacuation. There was usually a bucket of water soaked corn cobs on standby. If you didn't soak them first....?
YIKES!!!!

Thanks again Chigger...Good question!

If you have a question for Mr. Knowitall, and just don't trust those lying bastards over at Wikepedia, shoot me an E-Mail, I'll set ya straight....

See you next Sunday....Peace!!

Friday Flash 55.....

2009-11-05T19:41:00.001-05:00

As he drove away from the Fortune Teller's reading...
Her prophecy haunted him!
'Think before you speak...Spoken words CAN become REALITY!'
He thought...That old broads loony!
(He turns on his car radio, smiles, then starts singing....)
..."Don't go out tonight, for it's bound to take your life,
there's a Baboon on the rise!"

Hehehehehe...."Scuse me...While I kiss this guy"!
If you or anyone you know has written a Friday Flash 55...
Please come tell The G-Man!!
I will visit, read, enjoy, comment...Then BOOK!!
So from the most androgynous host from coast to coast...
Have a Kick-Ass Week-End...
Peace!!!

Thursday Portrait.....

2009-11-04T20:16:00.001-05:00

We are one of 6 Dealerships in Michigan that issues plates and registrations ourselves. Saturday I delivered a 2010 Traverse, and when I went to put on his new plate, something about the number sequence kinda struck me funny. Hmmmmmm
Anyway...I hear that this is Bloggers for Peace day?
I'm a Blogger, and I'm peaceful.
So...Peace!!!

Retro-Wednesday.....

2009-11-03T21:06:00.000-05:00

A Chevrolet Ad brochure from 1961.
Unfolded it's a map with points of interest for each of the contiguous 48 States.
Inside, they have a section that has a few 'On the Road' games to play. One of the games is called..."Beaver". Every time you see a Chevy on the road, you yell Beaver!
The first kid to reach 10 Beavers wins...I can't stop laughing!

TMI Tuesday.......

2009-11-02T21:39:00.003-05:00

Hi Everybody....
Remember the last TMI Tuesday I suggested that I might give you an embalming post? Well hehehe...Are you ready?
In 1924 when Vladimir Lenin died, he didn't want any fancy burials or monuments erected in his honor. But Stalin decided that since religion was being supressed, they needed some sort of 'Shrine' to the Soviet Union. So Dead Lenin was just that attraction!
Preserving the dead body was the first task at hand, and since refrigeration was not that advanced in The Soviet Union, and the body was already starting to deteriorate, Plan B was put into effect...Chemically embalming him!
First thing...Remove all the internal organs. His 'twigs and berries' were left in place though.
Second thing...Address the issue of drying. His body was already starting to turn ashy and shriveling, so they immersed him in a solution of glycerine and other preservative chemicals that infused his body and gave him a plump moist look.
The only problem with this was keeping the body from turning yellow and drying out.
It required regular upkeep! In spite of having a glass covered coffin built for him, every two weeks or so his hands and face are soaked in a glycerine solution to keep from shriveling. Every so often Lenin sprouts little patches of fungus, and he has to be dabbed with Hydrogen Peroxide.
Once a year the tomb is closed and his body is removed to the back room for a once over to spot overall fungus. He gets a dip in the Glycerine solution to keep him looking his best, and he is given a fresh new suit for his adoring public...
Under his new suit, plastic bandages are wrapped around his body to keep any juicy fluids from leaking out.
The tomb remains open daily from 9am to 1pm, and visitors still shuffle by his body.
The lighting is very soft and warm which makes his discolored hair and yellow skin less noticable. Lenin is said to look like he is peacefully sleeping...Others say he looks like he escaped from Madame Tussauds!
Peace...!!!

Pssssst, Mister.........

2009-11-01T15:42:00.003-05:00

Hi Everybody...
As most of you know, I am very Low-Tech!
I'm also not one to update my technology in a timely manner.
You've all seen my radios. I still have a VCR hooked up to my TV!
A TV that I've had for over 20 years I might add.
I've only had my laptop for 13 months. Before that my dinosaur PC had no color, and the sound card was shot! I still have working 8-Tracks for Pete's Sake!
Anyway....I decided that it was time for me to purchase a LCD HD TV ASAP!
What better place to start than Wal-Mart eh? As I was perusing up and down the TV aisles. A troubled little old lady was watching me intently. As I approached her she said "Young Man" (Young Man? This old broad must have lost her vision medical coverage)"Are you buying a TV today?" I said yes but I wasn't sure what size I needed. She says..."See this Sanyo HD?". I said yes. She says..."I bought this exact TV last week for my bedroom, and it is just too wide of a picture"! I said Ma'am, all the LCD HD TV's are wider than the old Tube style, thats just the way they are made now. She says..."I Don't Like It! If you are interested, I'll sell you mine for 100 bucks. I brought it back to return today, but I already threw away the box AND receipt, and they won't take it back." Now I was born at night, but NOT last night!
But, upon further conversation, it seems that her son was in the car business also, and I happened to know him!
Hmmmmmmmmm...I followed her out to her car, It was in the trunk in a garbage bag, along with the connecting wires, remote, and manual. I checked my money clip (A bunch of credit cards with hidden cash, wrapped with a rubber band..hehehe) and I had 104 bucks on me. I thought of offering her 90, but WTF?
Wal-Mart Always Low Prices...ALWAYS!
(Oops, wrong Logo...hehehehe)
Peace...!!!

Friday Flash 55.....

2009-10-29T19:57:00.001-04:00

Flailing about like a spastic marionette,
she was powerless under the vice-like grip clutching her throut.
Nostrils flaring... Eyes of unbridled rage!
Cheap whiskey and FEAR were the only smells present!
"Why me"...She thought
(fading)
"Oh God".....She knew him!!!!!!!
Yesterday...
Late for work...
Ran over neighbors dog...
Didn't stop...
(fade to black)

Happy Halloween Everybody!!!
If you or anyone you know has written a Friday Flash 55...
Please come tell The G-Man!
I will visit, read, enjoy, comment, haunt you, Then BOOK!!
So from the most eerie host from coast to coast....
Have a safe and Fun-Filled Week-End...
BOO!!!!!

Thursday Portrait.....

2009-10-28T20:35:00.001-04:00

Whats that boy trying to say?

Hehehehehe...Pretty sneaky eh?

Peace...!!!

Retro-Wednesday.....

2009-10-27T19:16:00.002-04:00

See the radio in the top pic?
It's a Philco Model 48-1256.
It became known as General Marshall's Radio because it was one of only two radios that he kept in his home.
General George C. Marshall lived from 1880-1959. He was Chief of Staff of the Army, Secretary of State, and the 3rd Secretary of Defense.
Winston Churchill called him the "Organizer of Victory" for the Allies in WWII. The plan for reorganizing Post War Europe was called The Marshall Plan...After him!
He was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 1953. On a short list of greatest American Military leaders....he is ALWAYS on it. He lived in Leesburg Virginia, and you can tour his home now.
The radio is no longer at the Leesburg Estate because on my last visit to Virginia, I carted it sight unseen right out the back door. The radio now resides in Flint Michigan in my family room!
The top opens up and is a record player as well.
Of course the record player still works...
Of course the radio still works...
Of course I didn't steal it...Mines in better shape!
Although you would never know it due to my piss-poor photography!
This is one of the few items that I'll NEVER sell...
It's a beautiful piece of furniture!
Peace...!!!

I'm A Victim Of Coycumstance......

2009-10-26T20:25:00.000-04:00

Holy Shit people....
I've been reamed more times today than Elton John!!!
It seems that Blogger had chosen last Friday NOT to publish at least 3 of my comments on Friday Flash 55. And those are just the ones that I've been made aware of. This is very disturbing to me. I take great pride in answering ALL of the Friday contributors. Now I can't say that I haven't missed a few late entries, but for the most part I'm pretty good about such things. On JeNN's, and on Larry's, viewer approval had to be OK'd by the author. I can see where comments could be lost in Blog Hinterland. But on Fandango's, I don't know what happened. I absolutely remember reading and commenting on EVERYBODY's 55 last Friday!!
Lets get another thing straight....I LOVE Friday's posts!! I LIVE for Friday!!
I even have my Halloween 55 already written!! I never ever get mad about anyone's comments about how silly, naughty, or groan causing my modest offerings are.
This embarrassment caused by Bloggers technical glitches makes me terribly NONPLUSSED!!!
So hear me now...If you do not get a comment from me by Noon on the following Saturday after posting a Friday Flash 55.....Let me know, PLEASE.

This weeks TMI Tuesday is being postponed a week due to this SNAFU...Sorry!

Peace...!!!

Pick-Up or Delivery........

2009-10-25T16:31:00.003-04:00

Hi Everybody....
I hope you stayed nice and dry this week-end.
It was a soaker here!
I'm not much of a fan of franchise pizza places. There is a little mom and pop place in Flint called Sicily's, that has been in business for over 50 years. They are only open from 3-11pm Tuesday-Sunday...Closed Monday. You can not go in thru the front door, you have to go in thru the back door and thru the kitchen. It's just like somebody's home, AND they make you feel like one of the family!
My favorite pizza is an extra large with extra pepperoni...$19.65 with tax. It may seem a bit steep, but the crust is to Die For! It's thin, it's chewy, it's very limp and pliable in the NYC tradition. The sauce is tangy, and the pepperoni is spicy but the quality is so high that you never get heartburn. The best part is that it is just as good cold, as it is hot.
Do you have a local pizza joint that blows the franchises out of the water?
Tell me about it, and your favorite toppings.
Peace...!!!

Friday Flash 55.......

2009-10-22T20:26:00.001-04:00

The dyslexic nurse was quietly sobbing in the lounge...
'Whats wrong honey'
"Waaaaaaaahhhhhhh...I think i'm in b-b-big trouble...Read this chart".
'ROOM 212...Two pills every eight hours'.
"I g-g-gave him eight pills every two hours!"
'ROOM 214...One pill every six hours'.
"I g-g-gave him six pills every hour."
'ROOM 216....PRICK HIS BOIL?????"

If you or anyone you know has written a Friday Flash 55...
Please come tell The G-Man!!
I will visit, read, enjoy, comment...Then BOOK!!
So from the most gracious host from coast to coast...
Have a Kick-Ass Week-End!!!

Thursday Portrait.....

2009-10-21T21:39:00.000-04:00

I really enjoy MGD/64. But yesterday I heard that Budweiser came out with a new light beer that had less calories and carbs than Miller. Bud Select 55!!
Bud Select 55...?
WTF...???
That reminds me......

Peace...!!!

Retro Wednesday......

2009-10-20T21:16:00.000-04:00

Last week a fraternity brother of mine stopped by the dealership for a test drive. After he was finished he asked me to follow him out to his car, because he had something to give me. To my surprise, he had the 2ftx3ft composite picture that hung in our frat house meeting room. He said that I probably saw more people from the past than he did and asked if I wanted it...Of course I wanted it!
I served and held many different positions in the frat while I attended college, and during this semester I was The Chaplain....Hehehehe...Reverend Galen!!!

Pax Vobiscum...!!!

TMI Tuesday.....

2009-10-19T21:18:00.003-04:00

Last weeks TMI Tuesday about Henry VIII was such a big hit, I thought I'd follow it up with another exploding King tale...

As all history buffs know, the last time an army successfully invaded England was William The Conquerer in 1066. He was sometimes known as William the Bastard(out of earshot of course), and despite a lifetime of warring and bloodletting, survived to the ripe old age of 60!! And the irony of it all was, he died because his horse stumbled on some hot cinders, and thrust his corpulent body against an iron pommel, mashing his left testicle, and causing fatal internal injuries!!
But wait...Theres more!
His body was then transported to Caen France for burial, and it was an unseasonably stiffling Summer, and you guessed it, his body exploded in the cathedral!
The stench was so great that the church quickly was evacuated, This panicked the guards stationed outside, and in all the confusion a fire broke out in the neighboring dwellings, and the guards AND the pall bearers had to help put out the fire leaving poor William all alone rotting in the Cathedral at his own funeral!!
In 1562 looters stole everything from Williams tomb, including most of his body. Eighty lears later a new monument was erected, but all that was left of the king was a femur, and thats what is buried there to this day.
I think next weeks story will be about the glories of embalming...Hehehehehe
Peace...!!!

Week-End Fun.........

2009-10-18T17:24:00.003-04:00

Hi Everybody...
I hope your Week-End was Kick-Ass!
As You know, I have TWO Passions in life, and I enjoyed both of them to the MAXX these last couple of days!
Saturday at the game it was Sunny but a high of 44.
Sunday was a Grand day for an Autumn Color Ride...WOW!!!
Have a Great Week.....G

(Hehehehe...Helmet Hair)

Friday Flash 55......

2009-10-15T20:12:00.004-04:00

Orion and Alnitak, leaning against a lamp post, somewhere in The Milky Way....
"Hey Baby...You're HOT"!!
'Hubba, Hubba'...!
(Aquarius walks right by, not even turning her head)
They both shouted...."Canis Major"!!!
"Whoa"!!!!!
'What'?
"Check out this fox coming our way".
'Fox...? She's a Dog'.
"Dog...? Are you Sirius"?
'I'm not....But she is'!!

Siriously, if you or anyone you know has written a Friday Flash 55...
Please come tell The G-Man.
I will visit, read, enjoy, comment...Then BOOK!!!!
So from the most Spacey host from coast to coast....
Have a Stellar Week-End!!!!!

Thursday Portrait.....

2009-10-14T19:50:00.003-04:00

When my brother Mark was deployed to Kuwait about 6 years ago,
My nephew Kurtice came and lived with us. Him and Reese are only 2 years apart, and they are very close. Well, Mandy is married and lives abroad, Reese attends the local Junior College, and Kurt just enrolled in Airline Mechanix Trade school. My brother lives up north in Oscoda about 160 miles away, and the school is about 40 miles south of here, we have lots of room so I invited him to live with us again until he finds a place closer to his school. He is a fine young man, and he is no bother at all. I asked him to pose for a pic for old Uncle Galen's blog, and he agreed. But I think he is trying to tell me something.....I wonder?
Peace...!!!

Retro Wednesday......

2009-10-13T21:06:00.000-04:00

Growing up in Michigan, you got used to buying beer in party stores, drug stores, gas stations, grocery stores, just about anywhere!
But being so close to Canada, (Sarnia Ontario is only about 50 miles away)we did a lot of fishing and travelling in that fine country, and we were quite aware that one had to purchase Canadian Beer at what was then called The Brewer's Retail. A few years back they changed it to The Beer Store!
Prior to 1984, All Canadian beer bottles were the 'pop-off' type. In a box by the cash register, they kept beer openers that you could put on your key ring. They either gave them away, or they sold for about a nickel, I can't remember, but that key ring in the middle pic, has a 'Church Key' attached.
I've had this key ring since about 1975, and the teeny tiny screw-driver, I've had even longer.
Hehehehehe...'Church Key'! I bet it's been a while since you've heard that term eh?
Peace...!!!

TMI Tuesday.....

2009-10-12T20:19:00.000-04:00

According to Mel Brooks..."It's good to be the King"!
I'm gonna let you be the judge...
At age 22, Henry VIII contracted small pox.
At 33, he had his 1st of many bouts with malaria.
At age 44, he hurt his leg while jousting, they thought it healed. Later the wound reopened, became ulcerated, and that lack of movement caused Henry to become unable to exercize. The result was his weight Blimping up to about 320 pounds.
Eventually both his legs and feet became infected with ulcers.
He suffered from insomnia, temper swings, sore throuts, and migraines!
Henry spent the last 8 days of his life bedridden and too weak to even lift a glass to his lips.
The room that he was in reeked from the stench of his bursting leg ulcers, and his gangrenious toes!
Following his death, he was transported to Windsor for burial. Because of the heat, his humongous body filled with gas and burst while in the casket en route. When it was discovered the next morning, legend has it that 'dogs were licking his remains'!
Oh yeah that reminds me...I saw Zombieland this week-end.
What A Hoot!!
Woody Harrelson was PERFECT for his part.
And Bill Murray had a BRILLIANT cameo appearance!
Hope you enjoyed this episode of...TMI Tuesday!!
Peace...!!!

Looooong Week-End.......

2009-10-11T08:58:00.004-04:00

Hi Everybody....
I hope you are enjoying this Grand Week-End...
I took a few days off from work to visit some very dear friends, and I happen to be in the Great Commenwealth of Virginia!
In my past travels, I have probably been to Florida perhaps as many as 30 times. One of my 'Must Do' things when I visit is to patronize the ABC liquor store. They have a marvelous selection, and they are LOTS cheaper than Michigan. It's almost like going to the duty free. I was very pleased to learn that there are ABC's here.
If you remember my Retro Wednesday post of last week, I posted some info about Absinthe. Well guess what I came across yesterday? This is the legal version of Absinthe, distilled using real Wormwood, and produced since 2001. I have yet to see this up north, so I thought I'd give it a try.
The other thing I purchased was some Bourbon.
I LOVE a good sipping Bourbon, and this brand is HALF as much as Maker's Mark, or Basil Hayden, Or Knob Creek. My Bourbon's of choice!
I bet Michael Vick doesn't order this brand.....CHEERS!!

Remember...Always drink responibly, and NEVER drink till you puke!
Thats why any concerned folks out there never need worry about me becoming too enraptured with the evils of John Barleycorn. I HATE puke, and all talk of puke!!

Peace...!!!

Friday Flash 55.....

2009-10-08T20:07:00.000-04:00

And this years Blue-Ridge Garden Society's winner for 'Best in Show' is...
Margaret Strichnine for her beautiful Virginia Rose.(Rosa Virginiana)
Please come accept your award Margaret!
..."Well firstly, I'd like to thank my long time gardener. Who after many years of service, had to suddenly leave town"....
(Yeah, she thought...And he's still fertilizing!!)

If you or anyone you know has written a Friday Flash 55...
Please come tell The G-Man!
I will visit, read, enjoy, comment....Then BOOK!!!
So from the most gracious host from coast to coast...
Have a Kick-Ass Week-End!!!

Thursday Portrait........

2009-10-07T20:53:00.001-04:00

Yesterday late afternoon...
I received an E-Mail from my daughter.
"Hi Daddy, we went to Saltzburg last Week-End. What a beautiful city!
Oh, BTW...Did I mention that it's Fucking OCTOBERFEST?? IN AUSTRIA!!!"
*sniff*....My Little Girl!

(While I'm having a MGD64 on $1.25 Cheap Domestic Night)

Peace...!!!