Thursday, March 15, 2007

This Magic Moment...

Words of advice from the G-Man....Never send your teen-aged son into the store with a Five-Dollar Bill to buy toilet paper, and tell him to keep the change!
Yikes! My poor bumm is used to the Charmin, or Northern, or any soft, brand name paper.. NOT Kroger's lowest value saver generic sandpaper-like flimsy rough bullshit!! I could have killed him when I got home, but by then the store was closed...
I felt like I was in some Communist country of the Fifties for a day or two, until I got off my dead ass and got some Charmin / with aloe...AAhhhhhhhh. What a relief!!..Of course all this pain inspires informative blogging posts, so Mr. Knowitall did a little research. I call this post.....

Magic Moments in Toilet Paper History!

1400 ..The first toilet paper is made for the Emperor of China. It comes in only one size..2' by 3' sheets

1509 ..King HenryVIII appoints a Groom of the Stool...Who's sole funtion is to clean the Royal Anus by hand. It becomes a highly respected and coveted position.

1725 ..The French author Francois Rabelais in his book "Gargantua", recommends wiping with nettles, velvet handkerchiefs, carpets, or for added comfort, the neck of a goose.

1750 ..Although worldwide, mussel shells and corncobs are widely used for cleaning purposes, Hawaiian Islanders prefer to use coconut husks.

1880 ..Publishers of " The Old Farmers Almanac" improves circulation by punching a hole in the corner, so it can be hung by a nail in the out-house.

1890 ..The Scott Paper Co. produces the first perforated toilet paper. But is leery of calling it that...So in their ads they call it, " curl papers for hairdressing".

1930 ..Sears customers are enraged when their catalog is printed on glossy, non-absorbant paper!

1942 ..Englands first soft two-ply paper, is advertised as ' splinter free '. And is only available at Harrods..Meanwhile, the countries best selling novelty toilet paper, is printed in one-ply, with images of Adolf Hitler on each sheet.

1967 ..During the recording sessions for "Sergeant Peppers Lonly Hearts Club Band", George Harrison complains to the studio head, that the paper was scratchy...An executive decision was made at the board meeting to replace it with a softer variety..

1984 ..A Christian group, the World Reformed Alliance, sends 20,000 free Bibles to Romania. When they arrive, the dictator Nicolae Ceausescu pulps them all into toilet paper. However the pulping process is so poor that the words God, Jeremiah, and Moses, are clearly visible..

1994 ..A severe national toilet paper shortage in Cuba, leads to the ransacking of librarys where many rare books are soon wiped out....so to speak! A Cuban official explained, such a thing was to be expected, since all of the telephone books was long since used up..

2000 ..Japanese inventors unveil the paperless toilet, a device that washes, rinses, and blow dries your ass with a heating element...

I hope you all learned a thing or two today, courtesy of......The G-Man. Peace!!

29 comments:

jillie said...

Damn...and I thought I had a shitty job!

LMAO...

G-Man said...

Jillie, you crack yourself up don't you?

And wheres my motorcycle mama avatar?

Manny said...

LMAO. You are not so old that you forget what's it like to be a kid who get's to keep the change.

This guy at work uses baby wipes. It wouldn't be so bad, but he doesn't try to hide them. He just walk's down the hall carrying is container of baby wipes. LOL TMI

barman said...

I was researching a comment for this post and had no luck. I was trying to find the origins of TP'ing houses. I did find this

In that page they add two things to your list.

1955 - First TP TV add
1973 - Johnny Carson joke about toilet paper shortage prompts hoarding

lime said...

oh my stars, that was brave of you to send the boy to do a man's job.

i cannot imagine COVETING the job of wiping the king's ass. thatjust gross. i've wiped enough grownup rear ends in my life time. not my favorite job ever.

that is some fascinating trivia there!

and while it's not necessarliy TP related....my favorite part of 'ALl in the family' when i was a kid, the part i thought was sooo outre is that they let you hear archie flush the toilet. hehehehe. i was a KID ok?

Jodes said...

where do you find the time to look up all that shit??? haha pun intended.

SignGurl said...

Nettles? Really? Ouch!

There is no substitute for good toilet paper.

Good thing you had your intestinal thing before the boy bought sandpaper.

wmy said...

g-man- You could always put 1000 ZIG ZAG whites together...it would be better than the sandpaper right?? RIGHT?!! HAHAHAHAHAHAH
I know I should know the Pater familia...you know when you have something right on the tip of your tongue??? and you cannot fucking remember what the hell it is??? thanks for that...fucker!! hahahahah

jillie said...

I had to mix it up a bit...not to worry, I have another motorcyle picture I will put up after this one. It's my "angel in disguise"

VAROOOOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!

jillie said...

And yes, I do crack myself up! ;o)

tkkerouac said...

Yes, what I learned is that your son is no fool!
Come give me your honest male perspective of the nude dove ladies!

EBEZP said...

I guess that toilet paper on the (w)hole is quite good!
G man a real shitty post!
EBEZP doesn't mean anything it's a code which doesn't mean that much either......!
Cya

Crabby said...

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha ha! sayyyyy, isn't that what Kroger's calls their scratch and save brand?

jillie said...

You know...I just can't imagine tp giving you splinters! Yeeeouch!

You know I am sure in a 100 years that Japanese thing will be barbaric. People will be complaining of 3rd degree burns on their assphincter!

G-Man said...

Hi everybody!!
I will anaswer everyone as usual...
Thanks for visiting..
I'm headed to Borders as is my usual Friday night routine...I'll be back!
See ya soon....
Love....The G-Man...

jillie said...

I'll take a Mexican mocha, extra hot...just like you g-man

Manny said...

Crabby, scratch and save. LOL

Thanks for sticking up for me g. That's why I love you so.

Cazzie!!! said...

I pnce wrote a friend a letter on toilet paper because I couldnt find any other paper to write on, she thought it was really really funny :)

G-Man said...

Hi Manny!!
You know it's not the first time thats happened. Wet Wipes? Thats very sanitary of him..

Barman, If I would have known that, I'd have put those in..

The Earl of Sandwich...

The Groom of the Stool..

The Duke of Kent...

Galahad the Chaste..

Hi Limey!!

Jodi Girl, I do lots of research. Have a good week-end. xo

SignGurl, I wonder if the Goose was alive?
I hope your feelin better sweetie! xoxxxx

Wendy.. What movie did you say you watched yesterday? Theres a big clue right there....G

Jillie Bean!!
You know I LOVE that bike pose!!
But you are an Angel..xox

Tracy, you are smokin hot! I love your pics better than you Google pics.....G-Man

Yes Crabby, Thats it exactly...Or as I call it
#3 sandpaper! I'll have your Hortons in the Mornin baby....Galen

Manny, you handled it lots better than I would!
Thats why I love you. xo

Cazzie, my Aussi buddy. I'll have to visit you to see if you got the Air Show pics up!...G

Jildo, I do have your coffee, come and get it!!

Leigh said...

I can't imagine cleaning an ass for a living. Ugh!! Thanks for teaching me something new today.

G-Man said...

Leigh, thanks for stopping by. You stay strong now.
No I can't imagine it either. But I might like my ass blow dried! ..G

buddha_girl said...

There are a few things I refuse to skimp on - toilet paper is one of 'em. Ack! So happy to know that both of our asses are happy!

G-Man said...

And BG, if your ass is happy, we all are happy!!
Have a great week-end...G

Manny said...

happy ass

Manny said...

It figures. Whenever I'm up and wanting to play, you are no where to be found.

G-Man said...

Manny, you only play every two weeks. It's tough to catch you around sweetie! Glad to see you though...G xox

barman said...

Hope you were able to partake in the green today ... even if it was only money. Happy St Pats G.

G-Man said...

Thanks Bryan, I did tip a few....(hic)...G

Top cat said...

I liked the one about George Harrison, he's one of my favorite Beatles and I'm glad he didn't take any bullshit.
A Beatle deserves the best TP available.:)
tc