Words of advice from the G-Man....Never send your teen-aged son into the store with a Five-Dollar Bill to buy toilet paper, and tell him to keep the change!
Yikes! My poor bumm is used to the Charmin, or Northern, or any soft, brand name paper.. NOT Kroger's lowest value saver generic sandpaper-like flimsy rough bullshit!! I could have killed him when I got home, but by then the store was closed...
I felt like I was in some Communist country of the Fifties for a day or two, until I got off my dead ass and got some Charmin / with aloe...AAhhhhhhhh. What a relief!!..Of course all this pain inspires informative blogging posts, so Mr. Knowitall did a little research. I call this post.....
Magic Moments in Toilet Paper History!
1400 ..The first toilet paper is made for the Emperor of China. It comes in only one size..2' by 3' sheets
1509 ..King HenryVIII appoints a Groom of the Stool...Who's sole funtion is to clean the Royal Anus by hand. It becomes a highly respected and coveted position.
1725 ..The French author Francois Rabelais in his book "Gargantua", recommends wiping with nettles, velvet handkerchiefs, carpets, or for added comfort, the neck of a goose.
1750 ..Although worldwide, mussel shells and corncobs are widely used for cleaning purposes, Hawaiian Islanders prefer to use coconut husks.
1880 ..Publishers of " The Old Farmers Almanac" improves circulation by punching a hole in the corner, so it can be hung by a nail in the out-house.
1890 ..The Scott Paper Co. produces the first perforated toilet paper. But is leery of calling it that...So in their ads they call it, " curl papers for hairdressing".
1930 ..Sears customers are enraged when their catalog is printed on glossy, non-absorbant paper!
1942 ..Englands first soft two-ply paper, is advertised as ' splinter free '. And is only available at Harrods..Meanwhile, the countries best selling novelty toilet paper, is printed in one-ply, with images of Adolf Hitler on each sheet.
1967 ..During the recording sessions for "Sergeant Peppers Lonly Hearts Club Band", George Harrison complains to the studio head, that the paper was scratchy...An executive decision was made at the board meeting to replace it with a softer variety..
1984 ..A Christian group, the World Reformed Alliance, sends 20,000 free Bibles to Romania. When they arrive, the dictator Nicolae Ceausescu pulps them all into toilet paper. However the pulping process is so poor that the words God, Jeremiah, and Moses, are clearly visible..
1994 ..A severe national toilet paper shortage in Cuba, leads to the ransacking of librarys where many rare books are soon wiped out....so to speak! A Cuban official explained, such a thing was to be expected, since all of the telephone books was long since used up..
2000 ..Japanese inventors unveil the paperless toilet, a device that washes, rinses, and blow dries your ass with a heating element...
I hope you all learned a thing or two today, courtesy of......The G-Man. Peace!!