Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Your Joking?

Oh well, fame is so fleeting. One day in this case, hahahahahahaha. But I think the G-Man struck upon a little theme here. I enjoyed being entertained so much, that I desire more. The Fame Game was OK, but when the weather is so lousy, it sure helps to laugh. So I think I'm gonna have a Joke Off. Everybody knows a joke. No matter if it sucks, I'm not Simon, I'll appreciate it!
I don't care if it's a Limmerick, I don't care if it's naughty, I don't care if it stinks, I want to hear it! Please follow the rules...Participate.
I'll start.......

Two guys walk into a bar.......The third guy ducks!

A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and a Black Man, walk into a bar, and the bartender says...
What is this, some kind of joke?

There once was a fella named Glass
That had two balls made outta Brass
When he clanked them together
They played " Stormy Weather"
And Lightening .....shot out of Ass!

Have I warmed the crowd up yet? As Bluto Blutarski once said..."Lets do iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitt".

37 comments:

lime said...

knock knock
who's there?
no one
no one who?



2 old ladies were talking the first one said, 'ethel, i just don't have the will to live any more.i've lived a good life but i'm tired and i want it to end.' second lady said, 'well mabel here's what you do. take a pistol and place it beneath your left breast and gentle squeeze the trigger. you're a good friend mabel and i hate to see you suffer. it's been good knowing you.' next day ethel sees mabel limping very badly and asks what is going on. mabel says,'dammit ethel i put the pistol beneath my left breast, gently squeezed the trigger and blew off my kneecap!'

we all know gandhi was a great man who championed the rights of the poorest people. what we don't realize is how many miles he walked in spreading his ideas...in bare feet. the bottoms of his feet were like thick leather. he often went on hunger strikes with weakened him tremendously and had the unpleasant side effect of giving him really bad breath. so basically, gandhi was a super-calloused, fragile mystic, plagued with halitosis.

G-Man said...

....Ladies and gentlemen, A big round of applause for Lime!
Thank you very much, we know yesterday she had a few difficulties, but she sure started today off with a BANG!
Haha..That Gandhi, one funny bastard.

gab said...

after Lime Im stuck. I'll be back later as soon as I can hear a good one. (or remember one!)

SeaRabbit said...

A man walked into a bookstore and asked a saleswoman, 'Can you direct me to the self-help section?' 'Sure,' she replied, 'but wouldn't that defeat the purpose?'
SeaRabbit

barman said...

A man is stranded on a deserted island with no one for company. As if that is not enough to drive him crazy he also has no booze, no smokes, and no women. It id driving him insane.

After he manages to gather up some berries, gather some water (thank you McGuiver) and build a shelter he proceeds to spend his days looking out over the seas waiting, hoping to be rescued.

This goes on for a day, two days, a week, probably even a month until this one day. As he is staring out over the water he sees this beautiful statuesque blond come walking out of the water wearing a wet suit. He can not believe what he it seeing. Surely he is dreaming. So he pinched himself and no he was not dreaming.

The blond comes over by him and strikes up a little conversation. Oh how he has missed having someone to talk to.

After a little while the blond asks him how would he like a smoke?

He say I would kill for a smoke. So she unzips her wet suit just a little and reaches in. She brings out two cigarettes and a lighter. She lights his cigarette and hands it to him then lights hers and they enjoy their cigarette. He is just in heaven smoking that whole cigarette down.

Next she asks how would you like to have a drink? Once again the man is excited. It has been forever since he has had anything to drink. So he quickly say I would love a drink.

The blond once again unzips her wet suit a little more and reaches in. She pulls out a couple of glasses and a flask. She pours him a drink and then herself and the both enjoy the libations.

Now just about now the man is about in heaven but still things are not perfect. Sensing that the blond as him another question. Would you like to play around?

Now he sprung up to his feet and shouted out, don't tell me you got golf clubs in there too!

barman said...

Sorry it is an old one and I never do a good job telling jokes but...

Top cat said...

Hickory dickory dock
3 mice ran up the clock
the clock struck one
and the other two escaped with minor injuries

G-Man said...

Barman, that punchline took me completely by surprise. Great joke thanks.

I should have known that you would have a food joke TC..Thanks for playing....G

Good Mornin guys..

Meg said...

Good Morning G-Man!

Fun,Fun!!!

How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail?

Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

:)

I'm sorry, and on Valentines Day too - geez, I'm a wicked, wicked woman - LOL

have a great day G-Man!!!

meg

G-Man said...

Meg, you saucy whench,...sad but true joke. Mornin Sweetie..
Happy Valentines Day.

Ameratis said...

I am the queen of corny jokes! Whoo hoo here we go!

A mushroom walks into a bar, the bartender says "hey we don't serve mushrooms here" the mushrooms scoffs and says "hey I'm a fun-guy!"

Two strings walk into a bar, bartender says "he we don't serve strings here" strings leaves and one gets mad, ties himself up and rolls around in the dirt in a fit. Then he says "i am not taking this prejudice!" and walks back into the bar. Bartender says "hey aren't you that string?" String says "Nope I'm a frayed knot"

Two antennas meet on a rooftop, fall in love, get married. Ceremony was ok...but the reception was great!



Thank you thank you. I am here til Thursday...try the veal!

Jodes said...

When I hear Let's Do it, I think if Tone Loc. Good Morning!!!!! Go get some valentine wishes from my blog.

Jodes said...

Q: Why did the blonde nurse bring a red marker to work?
A: In case she had to draw blood!

There were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde. They all worked together at an office.
Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too.
The boss left and so did they. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date. The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left.
The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again.
"No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!"

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!

lime said...

LOL, these are funny! i'm enjoying them all!

a blonde walked into a bar....she said 'ouch'

yeah yeah i know it's too similar to your first one....

Strumpet said...

Have you heard the one about the blonde lesbian?

Yeah...she kept sleeping with men.

barman said...

Loving this post g-man...

SignGurl said...

*****IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT*****

Galen wanted me to let you all know that he is being blocked from commenting from work. He wants you all to continue on without him. He will be back after 7:30 pm.

******END ANNOUNCEMENT***********

Jodes said...

OH NO!!! I wondered where he was. what a bummer.

Top cat said...

how do you sink an Irish submarine?
knock on the hatch.

jillie said...

Ok...I already told pretty much the ONLY one that I can remember.

Why don't baby ducks lay eggs? Because their "quacks" are too small!

LMAO...I SUCK at jokes. I can never remember them even if I JUST heard it two minutes ago!

Happy Valentines Day sweetie!!

SignGurl said...

How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
__________________________

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Meg said...

Happy V-day to you sweet thing!

hope its going well.

Meg

Ameratis said...

Fight the man Gman! Don't let them supress you!...ok well maybe just alittle so you don't get fired. We miss you!

lime said...

ok, not a normal joke book joke but the first time i said anythign sort of off color in front of my dad and stepmom, i was about 13....

watching jacques cousteau.....jacques says, 'oh look at zees beeeoooteeful leetle spiny lobstair. he eez so lovely. oh and 'ere comes eez leetle cousin.....'

before jacques could ID the other species i dryly added....'the horny lobster.'

dad and my stepmother just about died laughing.

Meg said...

Hey Galen, just keep trying. That happens to me all the time too. Mother-F'ers!!! I suppose one of these days it will be my downfall, but until then - Party On!!!

catch up with ya later then.

take care,
Hugs ~ Meg

Meg said...

Oh, one more!

Three third graders from Tennessee (an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Redneck kid) are on the play ground at recess.
The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who largest weenie," the The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Irish kid. He whips his out and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.
Not to be outdone, the Redneck kid whips his out. It is by far not only the longest but it's the fattest.
That night, eating dinner at home, the Redneck kid's mother asks him did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book Oh, and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called "Let's see who has the largest weenie."
"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.
"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies, and I
had the longest and biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm a Redneck. Is that true, Mom?"
Mom replies, "No, Honey, it's not because your a Redneck. Honey, it's because you're twenty-one.

:)

G-Man said...

Ok, I can get on about every 10 tries, and I'm on now, but I can only comment on very few posts...
So I'm not ignoring you please forgive me ....

SeaRabbit, Thank you for hangin in there..cute joke sweetie..I really missed you, I'm so glad your blog is back!

Ameritis the Beautiful,
You can tell a joke baby..as well as write, and act! Multi-Talented.
Thanks for participating.

Jodi, I would have been first, had I not been blocked, Thanks for careing xoxxx......G

Lime, wow, you are really making up for yesterdays brain freeze.
I should book you at the Comedy Club..

Meg, I've sure gotten accustomed to having you around..You can't leave me now..

And a special shout out to Jillie Bean. That poor baby's foot is really jacked up. I got aq special G-Man E-Mail, and it is really puffy..Get better soon sweets...G

And anyone that I missed sorry...

OMG Strumpie is even telling a joke, all you guys rock!

I'll talk to EVERYONE later..G

gab said...

Ok sorry no Jokes today. But Happy Valentines day. Hope you have a great one!

G-Man said...

Thats OK Gab, you can enjoy the Parade of jokes.....G

G-Man said...

Meg, You Cheeser Chicks tickle me.
Thanks again.....Galen

SeaRabbit said...

Ok... I can go for another.. I have a very good provider... ;-)


Lulu was a prostitute. One day there was a raid. All the prostitutes were lined up outside the police station as they took them in one by one. As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street and was so ashamed, Grandma didn't know her occupation.
Grandma stopped to say hi, and asked what the line was for.
Lulu, saving face, said that the police were giving away fresh oranges to those waiting. Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the end of the line.
When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed. He said, "How the heck do you do this at your age?"
She said "I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and suck'em dry!" The cop fainted!

Manny said...

LMAO Sign, i took the house...hell! I even took the power tools...and the Arnold Palmer golf clubs...pool que, all mine. However, I did let him have his toothbrush.


OK, I'll come back with a joke.

Manny said...

And what clothes he didn't take with him on that sad sad day, I bagged them up and handed them out to homeless people down the street from where I work. Carhart jacket, here take it...snake skin boots, these will keep you warm.

Sorry g, Joke ok i remember.

gab said...

This isnt a real joke although its funny:
A United States Marine was attending some college courses
between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and
Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed
atheist and a member of the ACLU. One day the professor shocked the
class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated,
"God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this
platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell
silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the
professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got
down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his
Chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him
off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back
to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were
shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The
professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the
Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did
you do that?" The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today
protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say
stupid shit and act like an asshole. So, He sent me."

Manny said...

Sorry you had a bad day babe.

Strumpet said...

'Young lady,' the football coach asked, 'what are you doing with that varsity letter on your sweater? Don't you know that it's against campus rules to wear a letter unless you've made the team?'

'Yes, sir,' she said.


Happy Valentine's Day, Galen.

xoxo


That's from my Little Book of Playboy Party Jokes purchased from the Barnes and Noble bargain books section for $7.98.

G-Man said...

SeaRabbit..That was hilarious!

Gabby...I knew you could play, thanks sweetie.

Manny, a joke?

Chandra, you Rock My World...Thanks....G